Jeopardy

I had a rotten start of the year. But those things of the past are best left forgotten. Yet the occurring scenarios provoke recurring dilemma that I wish not to repeat again. And this time, it is a certain gamble that will (permanently) a relationship. I am not good in dealing with people. Those who know me are ought to be aware of that fact. People greet me, I just replied a weak smile. People trying to initiate conversation, I give abrupt answers that require no further talking. People try to see me, somehow I am giving excuses to avoid them. There are times I prefer to be all by myself. At those moments of recluse, I evade those who are concerned about me and keeping those distances so that I contain matters all by myself. Why do I need to expose this side of me? Personal matters are private and if anyone should bring it up, people ought to give an impression that this person wants attention. But I am not that kind of person. I don't seek attention, though I will be delighted if I am appreciated. I need to tell this to all of those who know me of who I really am. Knowing me will not reveal my whole self. I need them to know that I am human enough to have my own flaws. In this case, my flaws is in maintaining certain good friendships. Friends are no mere companions. They are people who can connect a person in mind and soul, to get full rendering of their thoughts and feelings. This is the true definition of a friend. Somehow this sounds like your soul partner. Well, your soul mate is your best friend, isn't it? I am also surrounded by friends - both acquaintances and fond friends. But as I have said earlier, I am not good in keeping good relationships. I can put a smile and chat with anyone but I won't be keeping in touch soon after. That how my life had has always been. Accustomed to it, I find no bother in those friendship matter nor keeping interest in it as well. Despite being those ridiculous idiot in friendship, I keep a deep appreciation to those whom I acknowledged as friends. Those appreciation, to be frank, is well marked in my heart and I will never forget those beautiful moment while being together. And honestly speaking, I also cannot forgive myself of who I am. Yet this is who I really am - something I wished to change though it will be a notable challenge to do so. You can always pretend to be someone who not you are but you will get tired of doing it forever. Doing this can sometimes swell those emotional stress until it burst out and you will let it go. And I am saying behaviours such as going berserk or shuts into a recluse. I am the latter, unfortunately. A friendship is built on the foundation of trust. If you pretend to begin with, it is bound to a destructive end. Well I will not lie. I am a pretender. But not all of the time. If you spent enough time with me, surely you will know my true self. And those companions of mine are my friends, not some mere associates. Again, I am human. I can change too. That is why all of my friends whom I have not seen for such a long time will be surprise, at times, of certain radical differences of my normalities. Those newfound friends are not noticing, of course. They've just met me anyway. It is impossible to know someone in a short period of time. Thus, this confrontational conflicts always poses an imminent threat in jeopardizing a friendship. I am saying this because another one is bound to happen. Wheels are set into motion, the direction is unknown. But I am not will to risk to lose this one. This one is too precious to lose. This blog is not my excuse to that friend of mine. I am just heeding a warning to the rest of friends of who I really am. Apology is certainly no possible with this stupid trait of mine. But it cannot be helped. All I need is a second chance...

I am having doubts to post this blog but I am determined to it. This is how I am going let all my emotions loose. I prefer not to break down and be a crybaby. This somewhat therapy helps me to relieve this unwanted stress.